Not So Fancy Nights with Jessica Simpson

It has been quite some time since a fragrance has moved to write about it, but Jessica Simpson’s Fancy Nights has driven me to it.

My first thought upon spraying this madness was: “why would people do this to themselves?” And immediately after that: “why did I do this to myself?!”

Yes, it’s that bad. On me.

I purchased this six dollar wonder after a few long nights of scouring Fragrantica, eBay, and the perfume-net-at-large for entertainment… we all know how that ends. In a bottle of questionable juice at 4AM.

Oh, sorry – maybe that’s just me.

Anyhow, I was feeling quite gleeful about this subversive purchase. So un-snob! So Contemporary! So MAINSTREAM! So Not Vintage!!

So gross.

It’s the papyrus note that really gets me. It’s a weird, kind of rubbery thing. Like a piece of old, cracked, rubber that used to be white, but now it’s kind of grody and beige from sitting in the sun too long. Some plastic thing that was useful once, and now it’s just ugly. This is the smell I would assign to such an object, except that this smell turns my stomach and makes me want to (almost, but not quite) vom. I think a sun-scrubbed piece of rubber wouldn’t be quite so nausea-inducing.

It’s still the papyrus note that gets me later, except that at one, two, and three hours in, it’s mixed with a questionable patchouli, and my nose-to-stomach network is Just. Not. Having. It.

Four hours into the spectacle, and thankfully the horror show is about over – it’s pretty much just that sad little patchouli note mixed with the cloyingly pathetic sigh of a teenybopper vanilla fighting to be heard on my skin.

The bottle was pretty, the gold box alluring. The price irresistible.

Please, Please, PLEASE don’t go out into the world having doused yourself in this. No one will be happy. You won’t get a second date. Children will cry.

I will cry.

Jessica Simpson Fancy Nights: available all over eBay, Amazon, and other online retailers of suspect fragrance. I got mine via FragranceNet on eBay, which I don’t recommend, only because it took FOR EV AH to get it into my greedy little clutches, and the disappointment was just not worth it.

The reviews on Fragrantica are hilarious and are very love-it or hate-it. To be honest, the polarizing quality of this fragrance is what drew me to it, and what I just had to try for myself.

I will be keeping this fragrance in its box, if only because I just KNOW that it will go down as a curio of 21st century perfumery. It will either obtain cult status, or fade into obscurity, and on either day, I will be able to reach into the depths of my closet, saying “children, come here, I have a curious treasure for you” and watch their faces morph in terror as burning rubber mixed with a sickening, cloying patchouli stench hits their brainstem.

In other news: Happy New Year everyone!

Jessica Simpson Fancy Nights Fragrance Pyramid:

Top Notes: Burning Rubber, Papyrus, Dead Egyptians

Middle Notes: More of the Same, Plus Death by Patchouli

Base Notes: Lingering Stench of Patchouli, Teenybopper Vanilla, Baby Tears

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